Walking on the Chinese Walls

I really admire those people who can compartmentalize nearly every aspect of their lives.

Separate personal from private, groups of friends, love and loss from their everyday exterior.

I know people who are masters and mistresses of this. Slicing up portions of their lives, erecting Chinese walls around them for protection or just because that’s how they are.

That, I cannot do. I would make a terrible poker player. I wear my feelings on my face and so it seems everywhere else on my body.

I have read many times that people who have weight issues eat to numb pain/emotions/issues. I don’t think I do that people I actually FEEL everything. As i have said recently, I am a crier.

I feel everything said and done to me as well as around me so acutely. From personal slights to even world events.

I know I need to learn to get that in check. In the meantime, anyone know a good builder, I need me some of those Chinese walls.

Girl Meets Wall

Girl Meets Wall

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My Dirty Little Junk Food Secret Addiction

We all have our own little foibles. Our dirty little secrets we keep hidden from friends, lovers, family.

I’m not talking about the “big” stuff like affairs, love children, secret pasts as bank robbers. I mean the other type, the behavioral secrets.

Mine is that I have a closet junk food addiction. This is pretty funny given I am a bit of a food snob as well as a food blogger.

But yes, I sometimes get junk food craving. It’s usually for a burger and maybe fries. Once the idea is planted in my mind, I generally can’t shake it.

The thought becomes like a bad 1980s tune on a loop in my brain that can’t be shut down until I indulge. Think Kajagoogoo. All. The. Time.

And then, when I do…it doesn’t give me satisfaction.

Until (very) recently, to satiate this craving, I would head out in my car, go to a drive through far from anywhere I would be recognized. I’d eat it in my car then dispose of the evidence as fast as possible. Then I would continue to my destination.

I would always feel a dirty and wrong, like a morning after the night before walk of shame. My stomach would always be bloated. And yes, there was always a lingering smell of what I had eaten. That heady mix of sugar, fat and E numbers.

I last did this about a month ago. But that isn’t to say I haven’t had the urge or craving since then.

Since then I have been working on strategies to recognize the trigger (stress, boredom, low blood sugar are coming up as chief offenders) and work on ways to overcome it. Believe me, it isn’t as easy as taking up macrame or looking at cute animals on Buzzfeed.

Guess I have to find another dirty little secret. One without a high fat content.

Over(eating) The Edge

I have a fascination with weight loss programs and documentaries. Call me a glutton (haha) for punishment (smack), but there is a morbid (haha again) fascination within me.

Fat and Fatter, World’s Fattest Man, Fat v Skinny. I’ve watched them all. Twice.

Youtube is a scary, scary place especially when you need a diversion.

I know why I am fascinated.

It’s because I wonder what the “tipping point” is? What is their breaking point? What happens to push them into that scary place? From eating 2000 calories a day to eating 10,000? What takes them from someone who is overweight and mildly active and spirals them into a housebound recluse, unable to care for themselves?

I have been much bigger than I am now, but I somehow have always managed to pull myself back from the precipice. I don’t know how that happens. Is it inbuilt? There is something in my brain that stops me, brings me back.

I guess that unknown boundary will always be my saving grace.

Changing the World One Mouthful at a Time

So I survived the first buffet of 2014 unscathed food wise, though a little tipsy.

No adults were harmed in the making of that afternoon of food and friends but silently I was aware of every mouthful I was eating.

A friend sent me this interesting link to a recent article in The UK Huffington Post:

How A Mindful Eating Class Stopped Me From A Lifetime Of Overeating

What was interesting about yesterday and a meal I had on Friday was that there was, for the first time, a point where I actually felt full.

That’s when I stopped.

It’s not earth shattering but it is a start…and I am saying nothing about the champagne that was doing the rounds!

 

 

The Worrier Princess

My parents claim I have never been a good sleeper and the evidence does bear this out. As a baby sometimes the only way they could get me to sleep was to drive me around the streets of Merrylands. The motion of the car (a Datsun) would calm me down.

I am still a light sleeper. The slightest noise will stir me. I fidget. I routinely wake up at 4am, then have a conversation with myself that I still have 90 minutes of time to sleep. Naturally I don’t.

I attribute this to my propensity to worry. I don’t know why I am a natural born worrier. I also can’t remember a time I didn’t worry about something.

Some people call this people neurotic. Or more kindly anxiety. It’s my natural state. I remember when I was in high school, they made us read the truly bleak book Z for Zachariah about a nuclear apocalypse. I was 13, it was the early 1980s at the height of the Cold War and I was convinced this would happen.

Someone suggested my propensity to worry could be attributed to being an only child, bearing the brunt of our parent’s anxieties and overwhelmingly love. This could be true as another only child friend has what she calls “World Sadness”, that is, she occasionally gets sad about things happening in the world, big and small.

My worrying topics range from trivial to the serious to the self indulgent. Currently I am worrying about (in no order):

  • I have a new job and there is a lag in my salary being paid. I am worried I will run out of money before I am paid again;
  • About my job generally (as someone who lost their job twice in 18 months at one stage, justified I think!);
  • I said something stupid and mean and it caused a problem with someone I love. This is my major  source of worry, regret and grief for me at the moment;
  • That I will die poor (recurring see above);
  • What I will wear tomorrow;
  • That my car will break down again (continual);
  • About my aging parents generally;
  • About a friend having a difficult time with his work and of course
  • My weight

Those are just a sample of things that cross my ind every day. I’ve tried all manner of techniques to stop it, from distraction to hypnosis but haven’t managed to come to grips with it. I just live with it.

As my father calls, me, I am the Worrier Princess.

*Weight and food check: I am more than 4kgs down from 10 days ago.